


What If

by AlyssAlenko



Category: Mass Effect, Mass Effect - All Media Types, Mass Effect Trilogy
Genre: Alcohol, Angst and Feels, Coping, Denial of Feelings, Desire, Developing Relationship, Drinking, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Emotions, Feelings, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Friendship, Gift Fic, History, Hurt/Comfort, Light Angst, Love, M/M, Memories, Multi, Past, Resolution, Romance, Spectre Requisitions Rare Pair Exchange 2018, Threesome - M/M/M, Trust, Unrequited Crush, Unrequited Love, emotional development, kiss, sfw
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-21
Updated: 2018-02-21
Packaged: 2019-03-22 08:03:57
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,334
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13759782
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AlyssAlenko/pseuds/AlyssAlenko
Summary: A gift fic for Estalfaed for Spectre Requisitions Rare Pair exchange 2018. Stanley Shepard is in love...with two different people, and has to figure out if he has to choose between the two of them, or if the three of them can make it work. It's not just his feelings he has to consider, but everyone involved. He doesn't want to keep having to wonder 'What If'...a question which pops up more than once as he struggles to follow his heart...





	What If

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Estalfaed](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Estalfaed/gifts).



“Hey, Kaidan you should come with us. It could be just like old times.”

Kaidan shot him a sad smile, while it was nice to see him, it was never going to be the same not while he worked for terrorists. “Except I’ll never work for Cerberus.”

So much for telling Kaidan how he felt. Now Stanley knew why they were called crushes...his whole body deflated as he watched Kaidan walk away from him without looking back once. He wasn't asking him to turn around--Kaidan’s morals and his devotion to maintaining his integrity were just a couple of the things that had drawn Shepard to him in the first place--but he’d settle for a slowdown. Any sign that Kaidan didn't want to walk away. Fighting with his best friend--the one he’d had a crush on for what felt like forever--on Horizon had left a bitter taste in his mouth, and the only solace was knowing Kaidan was okay. It’d be so much easier for him to hate Kaidan for not coming with him, but it wasn’t like he could just turn off his feelings; it would take time.

After calling for a pick-up, Stanley made his way to the port observatory for a drink, Kasumi sliding behind the bar to play bartender while he sat on the stool, the thief messing around for a few minutes, before setting a glass in front of him, halfway filled with an alcohol of some sort. He was just grateful she didn’t ask what was wrong, probably sensing that he didn’t want to explain his feelings, just thinking about it made him slightly bitter as he rolled the alcohol around on his tongue. She’d always had a sixth sense about how people wanted to be treated, knowing Stanley would talk when he felt like it. Damn, if Kaidan’s comment hadn't been a stab through the heart--it wasn't like he’d asked for this; he was pretty sure he’d earned his rest after that whole fiasco with Saren, but here he was.

He knocked his shot back, motioning to the glass. “Hit me again, Bartender.”

“Something harder for what ails you?” Kasumi grinned, drawing a chuckle from Stanley.

“Much.”

“I have just the thing, Shep. Spirytus Rektyfikowany. It’s 96% Alcohol, but it looks like you’ve had a hell of a day and could use an excuse to get blackout drunk.”

“A woman after my own heart.” Stanley grinned.

“I bet you say that to all the girls.”

Stanley shook his head, his hand clutching at his heart in mock concern, pretending like he’d been hurt by her words, even if he wasn’t worried in the slightest, making her roll her eyes. “Only the cute Japanese ones with a penchant for kleptomania...you wound me.”

She giggled, pouring him another drink eyes wide as he knocked it back in one fell swoop. This one burned as it went down, his vision blurring at the edges...that was one drink he didn’t need more of, and probably a good thing, because the words on the label he could read said something about the drink being ‘murderous’ and ‘potent’, and he was already feeling better after what happened down on Horizon. But, he didn’t blame Kaidan...not for a second; Cerberus was a bunch of terrorists, they both knew that. They’d uncovered their share of atrocities the group was committing and trying to write it off, but he wouldn’t be doing this if he wasn’t worried about the disappearing colonies? Maybe he did feel like he owed Cerberus _something_ after bringing him back. He sighed heavily, and slid off the bar stool, thanking Kasumi for her hospitality, her alcohol, and humoring him.

His feet carried him of their own accord to the starboard cargo hold--maybe another story from the Normandy’s resident mercenary would help take his mind off things...it was worth a shot. Zaeed glanced up from polishing Jessie at the sound of the doors opening, allowing Shepard the briefest of smiles. He enjoyed chatting with Shepard, finding the younger man far from the stick-in-the-mud he’d assumed when they first met. Stanley often found himself here after a mission, loving to hear that gruff, husky voice telling him stories from the past...maybe he had a type. But hearing about Zaeed’s time with the Blue Suns, taking on the Blood Pack and his mercenary work, helped him relax and unwind.

And he needed the calm and the solace now more than ever, his insides churning with unrequited feelings.

“Goddamn shit show planet side.” Zaeed muttered, turning his attention back to his gun.

Shepard chuckled. “You’re telling me. I think I’m going to invest in a flamethrower...the bugs shouldn't be able to live through that right?”

“Sure, like t’ think so.” He paused, glancing at Stanley out of the corner of his eye; he looked haggard but convalescent--saving only half the colony, taking on three praetorians and meeting up with his old friend had done a number on him, and he obviously wasn't taking it too well. “How ya holdin’ up, Cupcake?”

Shepard snorted with laughter as he leaned against the table sporting the krogan helmet from a member of the Blood Pack--several times he’d asked for that not to be his nickname, but it _did_ make him smile; which was exactly what he needed.

He’d noticed the extremely familiar budding feelings settling in his gut whenever he was around Zaeed ages ago, and at first had tamped them down like he’d done with Kaidan, a small part of him hoping Kaidan returned them, but now it was just a flimsy dream. Now he realized life was too short to dwell in the should haves and could haves--having already died once without confronting his emotions--and he should just go for it. After his Cerberus rebuild, Stanley didn't want to hold anything back anymore, because with his mission and the war against the Reapers, death loomed over his head like a dark cloud. Few soldiers got a ripe old death, and he didn't need any regrets should the worst come to pass.

“Honestly? I could be better. I was brought back to life by a bunch of terrorist extremists, there's an AI listening to everything I say and an operative spying on me and telling the Illusive Man my every move, I’m pretty sure I just lost my best friend--the guy I've had a crush on for a while now...and I’m pretty sure I’ve developed feelings for a gruff mercenary on my ship.” That liquor Kasumi had given him really was potent stuff; a voice inside him had been screaming ‘no’, but the alcohol-induced verbal vomit had bypassed his usually present filter.

Zaeed raised an eyebrow, smirking, making Stanley smack his forehead with the palm of his hand; that was not how he’d meant for it to come out, but it was too late to take it back. At least Zaeed seemed receptive to the idea, instead of rejecting him outright. The mercenary set Jessie aside as Stanley edged closer, he respected Stanley Shepard, and after helping him with that whole mess with the Blue Suns--even if he'd let Vido get away to save the workers in the refinery, Zaeed owed it to him to give it a shot. Even if it didn’t pan out, at least they wouldn't wonder ‘what if’; they might as well see where this could go, it had the chance to be the best thing that ever happened to them. They both leaned forward, closing the space between their bodies, lips meeting in a passionate kiss. Part of him felt guilty since he’d just had his heart crushed, because it wasn’t like he could just turn his feelings for Kaidan off, but he didn’t want to ignore the same feelings he had for Zaeed, feelings he realized he’d had for a while now, and was happy to let them grow, as they spent more time together.

And then he’d gotten that goddamn letter from Kaidan somewhere between Horizon and the journey to the Omega Four Relay, explaining his behavior and everything else, asking that if Shepard made it out they could take a moment and sit down to talk. Stanley found himself holding onto a last sliver of hope he didn't even know he had anymore. Not since he and Zaeed had shared the kiss in the starboard cargo hold...and several more stolen ones when the moment allowed. Not since he’d denounced his feelings for Kaidan as something that was never going to happen, closing off the part of him the kept asking ‘what if’ and focused his attention on the budding love he felt for Zaeed, real and in front of him, feeling the same as he did.

But Kaidan’s email had said he didn't want to leave Shepard behind--they'd been friends first, and when he heard Stanley was alive and hadn’t contacted him but was walking into certain death once again, he realized his feelings were more than that of friendship and that he’d been hoping he would the chance to tell him. That had stung more than any Collector Seeker swarm. He’d felt like they'd grown apart since that first mission together, and it had rankled horribly, but he knew he’d already damaged their relationship, closing himself off because that would make everything harder, even after he’d just lost his best friend, but seeing Stanley again on Horizon had pulled everything hard to port.

Stanley found himself in the Port Observatory again, Kasumi deciding to mix it up with different shots of alcohol, instead of going straight to the Spirytus Rektyfikowany; the next one was Tequila.

“Okay, I don’t normally like to pry, but what’s wrong, Shep? For the past couple weeks, you’ve been inconsolably giddy, everyone on the ship knowing about you and Zaeed _finally_ making it official, and yet, suddenly you’re back drinking away your problems.” She patted the hand that rested on the bar, consolingly.

Stanley slid the datapad he’d been staring at across the bar, so she could read the letter Kaidan had sent.

“Oh. The ex.”

He let out a tired laugh. “If only that were the case. We weren’t even anything--”

“But you _wanted_ to be something, or you wouldn’t be here downing several glasses of liquid poison and staring at an email.”

She was right of course--if he didn’t feel anything for Kaidan anymore, why did it bother him so much to know that Kaidan felt the same way and wanted to see if they could repair the damage and clear the air when the dust settled? He heaved a heavy sigh as his thoughts flicked to Zaeed, the one who’d been by his side for most of this, the one with who things felt easy and right, the one who’d helped him through his inner turmoil. It wasn’t fair to Zaeed for him to be so conflicted...when had his life become so complicated? The doors to the observatory slid open and Stanley tensed, as he heard the now all too familiar breathing behind him; Zaeed’s hip bumped his as he slid onto the barstool next to Stanley, Kasumi grinning as she set a shot a tequila in front of Zaeed as well. Not now. He wasn’t ready.

“How ya holdin’ up, Cupcake?”

“Not well.” He slid the datapad over--if he hid the truth, he’d be consumed by guilt, and later it would come out in the worst possible way.

Zaeed’s eyes narrowed as he read over the email blaring up from the screen of the datapad--this was not what he’d expected when he’d come to the port observatory, but it was obvious this was tearing him up inside...and at least he’d put everything out in the open instead of trying to hide it and brush it under the rug. He knew how Stanley felt about Kaidan, his honesty one of Zaeed’s favorite traits. He reached over and slid the shot glass out of reach--they were about to go on the riskiest missions and needed their commander at his best, and downing shot after shot wasn’t helping his state of mind. It wasn’t like they could do anything about this now not when they were so close to finishing this task and needed that indomitable focus Commander Shepard was known for. Zaeed wasn’t one to talk about his feelings, but he felt something for Shepard, and didn't want to let it go, and it took facing down certain death to come to the realization.

“Let’s get through this goddamned mission first, and then we’ll all sit down together.”

Stanley nodded wearily.

Six months under house arrest, where his only company was the difficult and twisted feelings churning in his gut for Kaidan and Zaeed. Six months only knowing that the two men in his life were taking time to get to know one another and were trying to sort through not only his feelings, but their own. He didn’t want to force them into anything, but he didn’t want to lose either of them. At least he knew they had one thing in common, and during his incarceration they’d found a few more. Stanley had realized in the course of time spent with each of them, he loved them both, and didn't want to choose, sure if he did his heart would never be the same. Always wondering ‘what if’. But Stanley couldn't be happier, having the two men he loved, getting along; it was amazing that they could get past everything that had gone down topside on Horizon. And now here they were, sitting, laughing, and drinking at Apollo’s on the Presidium, picking right back up where they left off, only with a slight twist: they’d decided to give the three of them a shot, even if it was strange and slightly out of their comfort zone, no one wanting to wonder ‘what if’ anymore...


End file.
